Mums are always to blame and will always fail

I wasn't always this whiny, self-absorbed craven old bitch.
I used to be young, cheerful and happy.
Being cheerful and happy is a hard fucking slog these days.

My beautiful baby girl was always unsettled, she was damn hard work almost from the first.
She barely slept, began walking running extra early, screamed non-stop all night long, had quirky likes and dislikes and in general was just plain odd.
Everyone looked to me as the problem when her behaviours became more and more evident; I was a young mother, I mustn't be disciplining her properly, I obviously had no idea how to teach her to behave correctly, couldn't I teach her manners/acceptable behaviours, the accusations went on and on and on.
From both my husbands and my own families.

I tried to get her assessed after a doctor witnessed her behaviour but I was firmly told not to go looking elsewhere for answers, not to seek to use anything the medical establishment might think up to relieve me of the very obvious guilt that should sit squarely on my shoulders.
One conversation actually went,
"You should just accept what you've done and wear the problem child you've created."

I took the blame for years, I was the problem, I was the failure as a parent, I should never have inflicted my faulty self upon this poor child who I had broken.
How I had broken her I had no fucking idea but so many people were telling me that I had that it must be true.
And of course siblings and friends' children were all perfectly correct in their behaviours and manners, some questioned my parenting, asking what I'd done to get such a bizarre daughter.
So, by sheer weight of numbers the judgement came down firmly against me.

My second daughter was perfect, she was chalk to her sisters cheese, she excelled at school, she made and kept friends, she hit all her development marks like clockwork.
In short, she was a magnifying glass that highlighted her sisters shortcomings, failures, lack of social graces and odd behaviours.

When my son was born I was revisited with all the similar behaviours and nightmares from my eldest child's birth and development, each time another specialist saw him and agreed with diagnosis' my mind would silently scream.
Was this the problem my daughter was struggling with?
Was I still yet a failure as a parent for simply accepting that I was to blame and not insisting on seeking medical opinions that could have helped?
Could I have made a difference if only I'd sought early intervention for her?
I was her mother, for fuck's sake, why didn't I take a stand in the face of opposition?
I had fulfilled everyone's low expectations by failing as a parent, after all.